"Back when I was in school,"
Ivan said, "when two guys got to arguing, it always seemed like one of them was afraid to fight and the other one was glad of it."
"I don't know what Kendall Nichol done to deserve it," Ivan said. "He always seemed like a nice but sometimes uninformed fellow to me. But just in the past week Dennis Reinert has referred to him as a shyster and Jenny the wawitress said she wasn't afraid of him because he had a lot of hot air. Like I say, he always seemed like a pretty decent fellow to me. But last Tuesday he was struggling to find something derogatory to say about a Democratic president. He had to go clear back to Jimmy Carter before he found a speck of criticism to lay at the feet of a Democratic president. He remembered the interest rate on loans under Jimmy Carter was seventeen percent."
"You remember when the speed limit was 55 miles an hour?" Ivan asked. "That law was put into effect to save gas. So if you see me driving down the highway at 55 miles per hour, don't say 'There is some old man driving slow, he is dangerous.' Just say, 'There is some old man on a fixed income who is trying to save some money.'"
"You heard about the couple lying in bed," Ivan said, "and the husband began rubbing his hand on the wife's breasts, bottom, outer thighs, and inner thighs. Then all of a sudden he quit. The wife, in quite a state of arousal, said, 'How come you quit?' He said, 'I found the remote.'"
"It used to be," Ivan said, "before TV and computers and fax machines, that the time to plant corn was when the hedge tree leaves were as big as squirrel ears."
"I see where Mike Hughes is advertising for umpires for the summer baseball season," Ivan said. "I wonder if I could get a job as umpire. My resume would include one blind eye. The other clouded by a cataract. But I can still drive a car."
"You know," Ivan said, "back when I was a youngun, which admittedly was a long time ago, everybody started their meal by passing the bread. Or at least we did and all the places I ever ate did. You would start out by passing bread, then you would pass the butter. You always had a slice of bread and butter on your plate before you had anything else. And if the place where you were eating was affluent enough, there was downtown bakery sliced bread on the table. We had home-made bread and the slices were always the same thickness. But it was better than boughten bread, even if it had oleo on it."
"There are a group of ladies who drink coffee every morning at the Second Cup," Ivan said. "I don't know what they call themselves, but every Friday morning they are late to coffee. They all go to the Hardly Used Shop to take a look around. Last Friday morning, on their walk from the Hardly Used Shop to the Second Cup, they were all having a Bad Hair Day. I really think they ought to come up with a name for their group. Got any suggestions? If so, mail them to Bernadine Duntz or maybe even the Second Cup. My suggestion would be The ABCD Cup Crew from the Second Cup. Their motto could be Bra Bra Hoorah."