"Mark Lambert played the tuba
last Saturday," Ivan said. "That kid can play anything. Not only play it, but play it well. If you can drag it, carry it, push it, or haul it into a room, he can play it."
"November hasn't had a good start for me," Ivan complained. "First off, I am getting new glasses and, in the vernacular of the street, that's gonna cost me an arm and a lower limb. Next off, I had to buy two new tires and, in the vernacular of the street, that cost me my dominant testicle. I don't know where it's all gonna end. But if it don't end soon I am going to run out of body parts to pay for it."
"Years ago," Ivan said, "me and Eddie Hall and a couple of other guys were sitting in the Center Cafe drinking coffee. Someone asked Eddie where his wife was going. Eddie said she and someone else was going to Hastings. Eddie said one of the things they were going to buy was a training bra for his daughter. Eddie said he almost cried when he realized how old his daughter was getting."
"Eddie's daughter-in-law, Judy," Ivan added, "says she is still in training."
"Now everyone out at the golf course will say they don't mind playing with me," Ivan said, "but I know when they find out that I'm on their team, they think to themselves 'We will be forever getting this round over.' It's hell getting old, but what are your choices."
"My newest goal in life is to get to looking so good that sales people will have to ask me to show some identification when I claim my senior citizen discount," Ivan said. "Won't it be nice to say to the sales clerk, 'I would like my senior citizen discount please.' And she will say, 'I need some identification, do you have a driver's license?' That ain't gonna work because I ain't a-showin' anybody my picture on my driver's license."
"Stan Hooper missed a couple of days at the As the Bladder Fills Club," Ivan reported. "When he showed up last week, someone asked him where he had been. Stan said he had a cold and it settled in his throat and he had lost his voice. One of the cruel members of the group heaved a sigh and said, 'Our prayers have been answered.'"
"Got a phone call from Claude Gripp last Wednesday afternoon," Ivan said. "Claude was wanting to know how Janis Lee came out in the election. When I told him she had won, he said, 'Good.' Then he went on to say, 'I don't very often vote for a Democrat, but in her case I made an exception.' I've voted for Janis every time she has run. I've also gritted my teeth and voted for a Republican. About all I ever got out of that was ground-down teeth."
"I got er all figgered out, scientific," Ivan said. "I don't want to get a flu shot. I want everybody else to get a flu shot. You see, if everyone else gets a flu shot, they won't get the flu. If nobody has the flu, there won't be anybody to give me the flu. That's the way I got er figgered out - scientific."
And, yes, Ivan reported on the big football game between Smith Center and St. Francis. Smith Center won it, 51 to 14. "The greying, balding fox out foxed the cub," Ivan said of two teams' coaches. "The Smith Center football offense is built around Austin Kingsbury, Jared Kingsbury, and Kale Shank. When you defense Smith Center's wishbone, you stop the two running backs and the fullback. Smith Center Coach Roger Barta knew this and he knew that St. Francis coach Tim Lambert knew it. So what does Barta do? He has Jordon Hommon run a quartrback keeper to the left. The St. Francis defense banged both Kingsburys and Shank. Nobody gave Hommon a look. So on the first play from scrimage Smith Center scores. After Kingsbury broke a long one, Marta proved to be smarta again when he called the quarterback keeper - and another touchdown for Jordan Hommon. And, of course, the entire football world knows that Smith Center doesn't pass. So what does the greying, balding fox do this time? He throws deep. Smith Center has three receivers wide, I mean wide, open. Hommon laid a perfect strike to Daniel Bennett. Bennett crossed the goal life with the ball cradled in his arms. From then on it was kind of a routine football game. I mean a routine physical football game. I mean them St. Francis kids and them Smith Center kids pounded on each other. And I think if you wanted to beat St. Francis, this was the year to do it... cause they are gonna be awful good next year."
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