"Every morning Stan shows up
and says, 'Didn't anybody listen to their scanner last night?'" Ivan reported. "When no one says they did, Stan says, 'Well, I didn't get all of it, but it sounded like something was going on last night.' Tuesday morning he came in and asked if anybody had their scanner on.... He had heard something that he thought sounded big. But he didn't get it all. We asked him if the sound was garbled. He said, 'No.' We asked him if he was awake. He said, 'Yes.' But he still only got half the message. Now if it was me, I could understand it. I would have to finance the scanner and they probably wouldn't let me hear it all until I got it all paid for."
"All those eighty percent chances of rain," Ivan said, "turned into dry holes. But when the weatherman predicted no, none, zilch, not a chance of rain, we got about an inch and a half of heavy dew."
"Stan Hooper ordered himself one of them satellite radios," Ivan said. "Came in a box. Instead of getting some professional to install it, Stan said, 'I can install it myself.' He didn't show up at the As the Bladder Fills Club the next morning. Speculation was that he was home wrapped up in antenna wire and unable to get untangled."
"Bob Wire was telling about a strange happening in his wheat cutting," Ivan said. "Bob said the platform on the header was full of water when he was cutting. Then one of the Sasse boys reported the very same thing when he first started cutting."
"Been getting low blood sugar along about 4 or 5 in the afternoon since I went on a diet," Ivan said. "Someone suggested it might be because I had cut down on my carb intake. Well, since I went on the diet I have cut down on my carb intake, got my blood sugar out of whack, and have gained a pound."
"We wuz talkin' about classes we took when we were in high school," Ivan reported. "When I was a freshman I took English, Algebra, General Science, and Manual Training. In English we diagrammed a sentence, which was a total waste of time. In Algebra we used letters instead of numbers, which was a total waste of time. In General Science we learned something but I have forgotten what it was. In Manual Training I made a corner what-not shelf that wouldn't fit in the corner. Not only that - I was afraid of girls. Still am. Part of Manual Training was to draw a blueprint. I choose to make a blueprint of a sprocket wheel on a bicycle. When I got all done the teacher, an old grump named Carl Firebaugh, told me it was a pretty good-looking buzz saw."
"When I was playing football and somebody got hurt and was laying on the ground," Ivan said, "the first thing they done was to tell the other players to stand back and give him air. Once in practice Frank Pattee hit me on one side and Ralph Tucker hit me on the other. My rib cage met in the middle. Still can't take a deep breath."
"Jared Hayes is working for the bee man this summer," Ivan said. "Jared said he learned how to identify a drone bee. If I was working with bees, I would have to learn to identify them by looking over my shoulder as I was running away from them."
"Last Friday morning," Ivan said, "we were sitting in the Second Cup. Man and his wife came in and sat down. Claude Gripp was the first to notice that it might be someone we knew. Claude said, 'Didn't that guy used to work for Mini-Max down here?' He pointed toward the railroad tracks. Francis Runyon said, 'I believe he did.' Claude got up and went and introduced himself. It was Carl Damon. He and Claude used to work together at Mini-Max. Then Francis Runyon woke up and said, 'I know you but I can't call your name.' Carl and his wife had been parishioners when Francis was the Nazarene pastor. Then Francis asked Mrs. Damon what her name was. When she told Francis that she was Esco and Alice Jennings' daughter, Francis said, 'Oh, sure, I knew that.' Then Dick Stroup went over and shook hands with Carl. Dick's mother and Carl's grandfather were brother and sister. I was the only one there who really didn't have any connection with Carl. Casey Edell thought he did, but he didn't. Casey told Carl that he remembers his good-looking sister. Carl said, 'I didn't have a sister.' Casey said, 'I thought you did.' Then they all got together on their stories and who was where and doing what."
"I don't know why this machine is underlining now. I sure didn't tell it to. The only way I know how to get it to quit is to shut it off and then turn it back on. The machine will chastise me for turning it off improperly. But if that is what it takes to fix it, that's what I'll have to do. But I'm gonna wait till I get this page done in case I screw it up. Just don't tell me that I got the underline thing on, because I don't."
"I think it was Moses or one of them old Hebrews who struck a rock and the water flowed freely," Ivan said. "Well, that's kind of the way the coffee flowed over the weekend. First off, on Saturday, Francis Runyon bought the coffee for the As the Bladder Fills Club. Birthday. Then on Monday, Marian, the chief chef at Paul's Cafe, bought the coffee. Birthday. Francis was 80 years old. Marian wasn't."
"Kendall Nichols just hopes there is life after wheat harvest," Ivan said. "On Monday of last week he was of the opinion that all he had ever done in his life was cut wheat. Kendall started out down south. His trucks were parked exactly on the Smith and Osborne county line. He was hoping to finish up on Monday somewhere near the Nebraska border."
"During his baseball game, Ethan Kuhlmann fouled off a pitch," Ivan said. "Hit a windshield. Shattered windshield. Mother's car."
"If you saw Bobbi Miles riding in the back seat of the family PT Cruiser, it wasn't because Bruce had relegated her to the back seat," Ivan said. "There was a purpose. The PT Cruiser had been making a funny noise. Not funny like laughable funny, but funny like odd funny. So Bruce suggested, well, actually, told Bobbi to ride in the back seat and see if she could tell where the funny, odd noise was coming from. It was an exercise in futility. Still don't know where the funny, odd noise was coming from. But it wasn't coming from Bobbi."
"Last Saturday night," Ivan said, "Jim Meyer took his van to the races at Norton. With him were Randy Schultz and Mike Hughes. I don't know what the legal weight limit is for a van, but they must have been nudging right up against it."
"Kendall Nichols showed up at Paul's Cafe last Tuesday morning," Ivan said. "He was through cutting wheat and he was so giddy and bubbly that he was almost nauseating. I liked him better when he was grumpy and his old Gaylord/Republican self."
"Jim Fetters, former Smith County Attorney and Smith Center resident, who chose to reside closer to hockey games and more musicians than Smith Center could supply, is currently holding down two (2) jobs," Ivan reported. "Recently he went to work at the Hutchinson Air Port at six and worked til ten. Then he motored to Wichita and worked at the ice rink from six til ten. You know the guy has worked hard all his life. It is probably all he knows. But he is only a few weeks into his new job and already he is vacationing in Canada. Now vacationing might not be the right word. He may be working at a resort in Flin Flon. I don't know if he is serving as a guide or performing in the dining room. If I was there and I had my choice, I would prefer him to be performing in the dining room. As a guide, he is in the same ball park as the guide that led Custer to the Little Big Horn."
"Boy, it was hot last week!" Ivan said. "You want to know how hot it was? I'll tell you how hot it was.... Up at the football field one day last week, a turtle, a snail, Roger Barta, and Leo Tuxhorn got in a race. It was so hot that the turtle just barely nosed out the snail for first place, and Barta and Tuxhorn finished in a dead heat for third. It was hot."
"When some husbands go home from drinking coffee at the As the Bladder Fills Club, their wives will ask them what they learned at coffee," Ivan said. "They will say 'Nothin.' Well, if they don't, it is their own darned fault. Just last Thursday morning they learned something that they had not known before.... Did you know that 'P' road is an extension of Smith Center Main. You go north on Main and just as soon as you cross the city limits, you are on 'P' road. If you drive a mile west of P, you are on O."
"I don't know what Stan Hooper's wheat made," Ivan said, "but I do know he is pretty excited about it. Last Thursday morning he sat down, ordered hot tea, and got it set down in front of him. Someone asked him how his wheat done. Stan said - now listen to this answer - Stan said 'Pretty good, considering.' Tell me what kind of an answer is that. Then he got to flailing around with his hands to emphasize a point he was making about his wheat. His forefinger caught the tea pot handle. Spilled hot water. Most of the hot water flowed toward Dr. Bill Grimes. Bill's reaction was a split-second back up jump and he stayed dry. Oh, by the way, all we found out about Stan's wheat was that the field that had a lot of mustard turned out to be his best wheat."
"I'll be glad when the Fourth of July is over," Ivan said. "That means we won't have any more holidays until September - Labor Day. I hate holidays. I hate anything that breaks up my routine. Breaking out of your routine calls for some original thinking."
"Linton Lull joined us at the As the Bladder Fills Club last Thursday morning," Ivan said. "The first time since his wife, Betty, had a procedure on her back in Salina. Betty has to spend a lot of time lying flat on her back. Linton is already looking into meal deliveries in Smith Center. You see, when Linton was in high school, they had a class called Home Economics or Home Ec. No boys ever took it. So the only cooking he ever learned was roasting a weinie over an open fire. The fire department frowns on open fires during the dry season. By the time the monsoon season gets here this fall, Betty will be back at home on the range."
"I made an alarming discovery one day last week," Ivan said. "A discovery that goes along with the aging process. I parked my car on the west side of Main. Got out and walked across the street. I was jaywalking, breaking the law with no guilty feeling at all. But that is not what I discovered. What I discovered was - when I got to the other side of the street, I concentrated totally on stepping up on the curb. I mean my entire attention was focused on stepping up on the curb. Now that might not seem like much of a discovery to most people but to me it was a revelation I hadn't had revealed to me before. You see, when I was growing up, I had perfect hand to eye coordination. I could do really difficult things without having to concentrate on what I was doing. When I had to concentrate on stepping up on that curb, I remembered back when I was a young man. I could ride a pony going at a full gallop with the reins in one hand and with the other hand I was rolling a Bull Durham cigarette. When I got the cigarette rolled, I could light a match with my thumb nail. All at a full gallop. I gave this all up when I quit smoking. I doubt if I could ride at a full gallop any more, and I know I couldn't get the Bull Durham sack out of my shirt pocket, open it, build a cigarette with one hand, and close the sack with my teeth. Old Father Time does take his toll. But I did make it up onto the sidewalk safely."
"I don't know where Mike 'Smoke Signal' Hughes was Friday morning," Ivan said, "but I do know that Judy Hall took his place leading the exercise group. If they wanted to have a contest up there at Western Plains sometime they could have Mike Hughes and Judy Hall put on Lone Ranger face masks and have them stand side by side. Then try to guess which one was which."
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