"Oh," Ivan said, "those new fancy aprons
the help is wearing at Paul's Cafe are called Cobbler Aprons. Has nothing to do with peach or cherry cobbler. The aprons are the kind that were worn by shoe cobblers for many years."
"Keith Pearson has a dog that he is really proud of," Ivan said. "The dog takes Keith for a walk almost every morning. Keith said the dog is so smart that he can introduce it to a person, like - for example - he can tell the dog 'this is Ivan.' And then, after a while, he can tell the dog to 'go to Ivan' and the dog never makes a mistake of going to the wrong person."
"Oh, say, if you happen to have a sympathy card, you might want to send it to Buck McClain," Ivan said. "Last Friday afternoon Buck got stuck in a foursome with the Three Blind Mice. They are Al Melcher, Lyman Attwood, and Ivan Burgess. All can see enough to drive, but following the flight of a golf ball is beyond their optic ability. The three would get up on the tee box and take a hefty swing, then they would say, 'I never did see that.' Or 'Did you see that?' Or 'Do you have any idea where that went?' Poor old Buck had to watch three other golf balls besides his own and then he had to remember where each one went. And they were never very close together. But Buck made it for nine holes and the smile of Christian charity never left his face."
"There was a junior golf tournament at the golf course last Tuesday," Ivan said. "One of the players was Nick Linn's youngest. Not a very big feller, but a competitor. When the tournament was over his Mom was waiting for him in front of the clubhouse. His Mom said she wasn't going to wait all afternoon on him. He had to go into the clubhouse for some reason. Then his Mom got up and went into the clubhouse, I think to see what his score was. The little guy came out and was putting his clubs away. One of the adults sitting there asked him if his Mom ever gave him hell. He said, 'She might once in a while,' and then he added, 'That's what she is supposed to do.' I loved it. Perfect answer. I don't know the kid but already I like him."
"Edith Drake was the guest of honor at a dinner in the office basement at Excel. Edit was a valued employee at Excel for 36 years. Edie is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. She talks kinda tough but that is just to cover up her big heart. Edie would do anything for you. She growls at me ever once in a while - but I ain't afraid of her. She is now barking orders at the pitch and bingo games at Western Plains Village. But up there no one pays any attention to her. Ask Edie sometime why she has brown eyes. Ask her if she has ever had her eyes checked and she will tell you, 'No, they have always been brown.'"
"I'm getting kinda old and sometimes I forget," Ivan said. "I'm gonna have to ask Edie - was that 36 the number of years she worked for Excel or is that her bust size? I forget. She will let me know in no uncertain terms. But I ain't scairt of er."
"I hate summer," Ivan said. "I hate hot weather. I hate hot wind. The only month I like in Smith Center is October. But I can't leave Smith Center. No train service. No bus service. Don't like city traffic. Can't afford a taxi. So I'm stuck in Smith Center. But the people make it almost worth it. Expecially the natives who have been here over sixty years."
"Sheila Steward said that when she was young she took the Underground in London. She often got on at the Charing Cross Station, one of the places where the bombs went off. I asked her if she had heard from her family. She said all she had left in England was an Auntie. Sheila has three sisters and none of the four girls married an English lad."
"Why is it when I come up with a brilliant idea it is rejected before it even gets a hearing?" Ivan wondered. "Is it because my ideas are so avant-garde that the brilliance just overwhelms the listeners? Now just listen to this idea and think about it before you reject it out of hand. The Smith Center School Board is going to appoint another board member. Why, I mean, why don't they appoint the As the Bladder Fills Club en masse. I mean, we answer every knotty problem, the kind the local politicians just can't get a grasp on. I mean, if the As the Bladder Fills Club was a member of the school board Smith Center would be the best at everything. I know that is true because I've heard the remedy for every problem there is at the local institution of higher learning. Some people like sports, some like academics, some like music, some like manual arts, some like history, and some like to make money. There is an expert in every one of the those fields right in the membership of the As the Bladder Fills Club."
"There have been several letters to the editor in the local paper recently," Ivan said. "In each letter the writer has pointed to a specific problem. We are all aware of the specific problems that exist. What we are interested in is specific solutions to the problem. I don't have any answers. If I did, I'd run for office."
Hey, I grew up in Smith Center. I think this is the first time I've ever seen someone from Smith Center talking on the internet. Weird. ;o)
Posted by: Ray Dillon | September 30, 2005 at 06:33 PM