"Now, I can't vouch for any of this," Ivan said.
"It comes from Lyle Morgan. I never know for sure if Lyle is telling the truth or if he is pulling my lower limb. He always has that look of innocent intelligence that I haven't been able to diagnose whether he is lying or making some profound statement. It seems as if Lyle bought himself a bunch of goldfish. Lyle said they were real tiny when he bought them. But they are growing fast. Lyle said he was going to train them. He said he was going to get a round ring and whenever he fed them he would put the ring on top of the water and then feed them inside the ring. He waid it wouldn't be long until could hold out the ring and the fish would jump through the hoop knowing they were going to be fed."
"Well," Ivan said, "I finally swallowed my pride and asked. I have never know the difference between ensilage and silage. Wondered about it for years. Finally, last Tuesday morning, I asked. There wasn't anybody there with a college education, but they all knew the difference between ensilage and silage. The three who told me the difference in words that I could understand were Joe Lambert, Dick Weltmer, and Gene Conaway. The difference is when you cut it, it is ensilage. You put it in the silo and it ferments. After fermentation, it bcomes silage. No wonder those cows are so contented. They are chewing that cud to get all the corn likker out of it."
"Smith Center has been getting some adverse publicity lately," Ivan reported. "But we are staying right up there in technology. I would put Smith Center up against any town of the same size when it comes to having computers and cell phones. Even old people are sitting around with a cell phone to their ear. The reason they like cell phones is because you can turn them suckers up so you can hear the call in the next block. We are not a bunch of ding-a-lings; we are cell phone addicks."
"Last Thursday morning," Ivan said, "Momma was going to the laundry room at Western Plains. She had the clothes to be washed. I was responsible for getting the detergent and bleach there. I tossed them in the back seat of the car. About ten minutes after eight I got a call at the Second Cup. I recognized momma's voice and knew immediately what she wanted. So I hopped into the family sedan and delivered the goods. She was a little bit owley. When I got back to the Second Cup, Bernadine Duntz said, 'Was she upset?' I said, 'There will probably be no sex at our house tonight.' Bernadine said, 'I DON'T BLAME HER.' Later on Bernadine was telling some of the late-comers to her table about the incident. One of the girls asked what 'he said when he got back?' Bernadine said, 'I ain't even gonna tell ya.' Bet she did when no one else was around. Forgetting to take laundry soap and bleach caused a lot of comments about my age and mental faculties. I AM NOT LOSING IT. I prefer to be called eccentric."
"One time we were playing Red Cloud in football," Ivan reminisced. "The play was over and Jack Yenn was standing there minding his own business when one of the Red Cloud players blind-sided him. A clear act of unsportsman-like conduct. It hurt Jack. Gave him a broken arm. I always hoped that Jack got the fellow's name and broke some faulty piece of machinery off in him. But I doubt if he did, because Jack is a lot nicer guy than I am."
"Sometimes," Ivan said, "I wonder what us old people use for brains. We meet in a doctors' clinic waiting rooms and at the prescription counters of drug stores, and what is our greeting? 'Well, how ya doing?' The answer is, 'Doin' great.'"
"Why is it," Ivan wanted to know, "that churches will pray for kids after they get hurt playing sports, but they won't pray that they won't get hurt?"
"At a couple of auctions last week, I ate peanut butter cream pie," Ivan said. "Best peanut butter pie I ever ate. Someone told me it was the creation of Karen Blank. And when I said it was the best, it carries some weight. I am a recognized corner sewer of peanut butter pie. Maybe that's connasewer. Whatever, it means I'm an expert."
"Lots of things have changed over my lifetime," Ivan said. "One of the most dramatic changes has occurred in the wild sunflower. When I was a kid, a wild sunfower grew in one tall stalk with a flower at the top. They made excellent spears and javelins. Chad Carver could throw a sunflower spear farther than most of the kids can throw a javelin. I don't know what happened, but now sunflowers don't grow nearly as tall and they have lots of flowers and aren't worth a poop for spears and javelins."
"I was getting tired of all the hull-a-ballu about Smith Center," Ivan said. "Then last Thursday I picked up the Salina Journal and there wasn't nothin' in it about Smith Center. Dullest job of the Journal I'd read in a long time."
"How's come some people get all the talent," Ivan asked. "Take Stan Smith, for example. When he was in his prime, he might have been a world class sprinter. When he was in high school, he definitely was a state class sprinter. And even now he is a county class sprinter. And on top of all that he can sing. If you want to make a little money, go to Pouches some night when Stan is there and bet some young punk that the old man over there can outrun him with street shoes on. Of course, you will want to give Stan ten percent of your winnings."
"Instructor told the ladies to wear loose clothing to the exercise class," Ivan said. "One lady said if she had loose clothing she wouldn't need to take the exercise class."
"Me forgetting to take soap and bleach to the laundry room is not so bad," Ivan said. "Not near as bad as the guy who locked his car and it took him an hour and a half to get his wife out."
"Stay Ahead of the Posse," Ivan said.
Comments