"The Family Health Mart is in the middle
of a remodeling project," Ivan said. "The object of the remodeling is to make more room in the pharmacy. And, as Wilma Hughes put it, 'to serve you better.' Wilma said she went through a remodeling project 38 years ago and she swore she would never go through another. That was back when she was young and feisty. She has mellowed considerably in the past 38 years. Last Tuesday morning she was standing right in the middle of the mess and she was just as happy as her husband Donnie is when het gets one of them rare pars on the golf course."
"Bob Kastle has left a porch light on at his home for a week or so," Ivan reported. "It has been bothering some of the neighbors, thinking of the increase in his electric bill. Jack Benn has a key to Kastle's house and when one of the neighbors suggested the light ought to be turned off, Jack's thinking was along these lines. Jack said, if a man can go hunting all over the world, I'm not going to worry about a sixty watt light bulb running up his electric bill. Now there is some good As the Bladder Fills Club thinking."
"I stumbled into a win at the golf course last Tuesday," Ivan said. "There was the predictable chorus of 'raise his handicap.' I never heard any of that the day before when I could hardly swing a club and was way down on the totem pole below the money-winning line. I won with a score that will seldom get a smell of the money. What the boo birds were forgetting is that last Tuesday Alvie Ratliff wasn't there. Dick Stroup wasn't there. Lonnie Whitten wasn't there. None of the really good golfers were there. The fact that I won was because the only golfers who showed up were the ones that got picked last and had to play right field when they were kids."
"Well, Bob Kastle and Jack Benn went fishing last Tuesday," Ivan said. "You want to know how bad it was? I'll tell you how bad the fishing was. It was so bad that Jack Benn wished he had stayed home and planted garden."
"Bob Levin walks from his house to Paul's Cafe nearly every afternoon," Ivan said. "If he walks as the crow flies, it is seven-tenth of a mile from his house to Paul's. If he walks down Main Street then north to Paul's, it is a mile. Bob knows this because he has checked it by GPS. I don't know what that means. I think he said it was Go Ball Pointing System. All I know is - it's accurate."
"All this talk about relieving stress," Ivan said. "Didn't the three martini lunch do the same thing?"
"Smith County has so much going on that there is something to talk about every day. Lots of counties would say, 'Well, we don't have any problems, we are mostly at peace with each other.' You know 'peace' is just another way to say 'boredom.' And we sure ain't bored here in Smith Center."
"Let's see now," Ivan said, "Smith County has 4 banks - Smith Center, Lebanon, Gaylord, and Kensington. Got three golf courses in Smith County - Smith Center, Lebanon, and Downs. 4 libraries - Kensington, Smith Center, Lebanon, and Gaylord. 2 high schools - Kensington and Smith Center. Thousands and thousands of dollars in scholarships. Football that is repeat state champions with a good chance of being a threepeat. Four places to buy clothes in Smith Center - Duckwalls, Oreschlins, The Dollar Store, and Hardly Used Shop. In Smith Center, three places to buy food stuffs - Gene's, Duckwalls, Dollar Store. Plumbing supplies, hardware, dishes, and household items. A school system that sends kids off to college with almost enough college hours to be sophomores when they enroll. Auto parts. People to install auto parts. Farm machinery, main line and short lines. Churches, some are right, some are wrong, and some don't know the difference. Appliances. Hard and soft water. Cable T.V. The county has six or seven elevators - Kensington, Athol, Smith Center, Bellaire, Lebanon, Gaylord, and Cedar. Farmers with more knowledge about farming than an ag college graduate. The list goes on and on and on. Beauty shops and barber shop, carpet cleaners and layers. Lawyers and auctioners. Real estate dealers. Service clubs. You can keep adding to the list. And the real beauty of living in Smith Center is that you have enough time to drink coffee and bitch about what Smith Center don't have."
"Don't tell me what Smith Center don't have," Ivan added. "I don't want to hear it. Tell me about the good lookin' women, the computer shops, the bars where everybody knows your name. Good lookin' women. The eatin' places. The good lookin' women. The self-serve stations. The good lookin' women. The swimming pool, the therapy pool, the office pool during March Madness. The good lookin' women. The lawn care experts, the city crew, the volunteers for local charities. The good lookin' women. You go ahead and add to the list, and don't forget the good lookin' sexy men. I knew I would fit in there somewhere."
"A Lebanon high school graduate and a Gaylord high school graduate and a Smith Center high school graduate walked into a local tavern," Ivan said. "They drank Rocky Mountain tea and the tea that was supposed to make Bud wiser, and then they got into an argument over who went to the best high school. The bartender said, 'I'll give you guys a pop quiz and we will prove who went to the best high school.' So he said to the Gaylord high school graduate, 'What is five and five?' The Gaylord high school graduate said, 'One hundred and thirty nine.' The bartender said to the Lebanon high school graduate, 'What's five and five?' The Lebanon high school graduate said, 'Tuesday." He said to the Smith Center high school graduate, 'What's five and five?' The Smith Center high school graduate said, 'Ten.' The bartender said, 'That's right. Tell me, how did you come up with the answer?' The Smith Center high school graduate said, 'Easy, I just took one hundred and thirty nine and subtracted Tuesday and the answer was ten.'"
"The Nazarene church had a farewell dinner for Mark and Amy Hatcher and the girls following the Sunday morning services last Sunday," Ivan said. "The Hatchers are going to Ava, Missouri, to fill the pulpit in the Nazarene church there. They haven't asked me to become the new preacher. My credentials and my resume say: hand me the check just before I step into the pulpit and you will be singing the last hymn in less than eighteen minutes."
"Jack and Arlene Benn killed and cleaned 27 chickens last Saturday," Ivan said. "Last year when they were in the process of cleaning chickens, Arlene dropped a knife. She caught it in mid-air. Required several stiches. They gave here a safer job this year. She didn't even have to wear a hard hat."
"I've been kinda down in the back lately," Ivan said. "Hurt it. We went hippo hunting and I had to carry the decoys."
"Raymond Osborn was sitting with the As the Bladder Fills Club last Tuesday," Ivan said. "But he had his ear cocked so he could hear the ladies at the next table. He said he was getting more news from the ladies than he was from the ATBFC group. But there is a difference. The ladies were gossipping. The As the Bladder Fills Club deals only with facts. Sometimes gossip is juicier than facts, but we're just like Joe Friday, just the facts, ma'am."
"Friday Gene Arment was drinkin' coffee and thinking maybe he ought to go over and mow his neighbor Jack Knight's yard," Ivan said. "And, for some reason, I don't know just what brought it up, but the conversation turned to old slow drivers around town. Now I'm not saying we have some extra slow drivers in town, but one time when Stan Smith left Paul's Cafe he was clean shaven. He got behind one of Smith Center's habitually slow drivers at the intersection of Main and Highway 36. He followed Old Fellow all the way into town. By the time he got to the bank corner, he was sporting a full beard."
"Facts reined supreme at the As the Bladder Fills Club last Friday morning," Ivan said. "We didn't want no half-truths, no innuendoes, no speculations, and above all, no gossip. Actually, it was kind of a quiet meeting."
"I'm tellin' you," Ivan said, "that privacy law that went into effect has sure put the kibosh on knowing who is sick and what is the problem. I picked up an old issue of the Heartland Herald Echo the other day and right there in black and ink was the hospital admissions and dismissals. The guvment can listen in on your phone calls, but they won't let you know when your neighbor is sick."
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