"I overheard
a white-haired lady at Paul's Cafe," Ivan reported. "She said, 'If they closed the road to the hospital, we wouldn't go anywhere.'"
"Got the hot weather off to a great start by wearing my walking shorts for the first time," Ivan said. "That turned many a female head."
"Sam McDowell spent some time in the Mayo Clinic recently," Ivan said. "He is back now and seems to be doing much better. He is back to terrorizing the card players at Western Plains once a week. They didn't get rid of everything for him at Mayo's. Edie Drake told him he was full of manure. Well, she didn't say manure, but it has the same fertilizing effect as manure."
"Mike Hughes tried to promote a St. Patrick's Day contest," Ivan reported. "He said, 'Judy (Hall) and I will each bring a pair of our green pants and we will hang them side by side on the wall. Then we will have a guessing contest on which pair belongs to which person.' The promotion was cancelled because they couldn't find enough blank wall space to display Mike's green Fruit of the Looms."
"Last Thursday," Ivan said, "I was watching a college basketball game. I thought the commercials were extra long. So I timed one. There were several commercials. They timed out at two and a half minutes. Then there was another thirty seconds before the game resumed. So a total of three minutes. I'm guessing that three minutes is the average time that the average American male spends in love-making. Unless, of course, he is Superman. Then he is faster than a speeding bullet."
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