"Heard of a new disease
over in Lebanon one day last week," Ivan said. "Let's just hope it don't reach epidemic proportions. Young feller came into the LaDow Grocery and Cafe and sat down and explained why he wasn't at work that day. He said he had analblocooomia. Someone asked how that affected him. He said, 'I just couldn't see my ass going to work today.'"
"One of my favorite lines ever uttered in Smith Center," Ivan reported, "was something Dede Bolton once said. Dede had hired someone to tear down a building or an old shed or barn, whatever. The guy came to work and got started on the job. Then things kinda petered out and he failed to show up for work. One day Dede said, refering to his missing hired man, now listen - this is classic - Dede said, 'If he ever shows up for work I'm gonna fire him.'"
"Used to be a young fellow by the name of Herbie Panter who lived in Smith Center," Ivan said. "Herbie was quick with a quip and you didn't want to get engaged in a verbal sparring match with him. One day one of the local semi-important businessmen in Smith Center - one who liked to show his superiority over us common folks - greeted Herbie by saying, 'Well, hello, my short-peckered friend.' To which Herbie replied, 'Your wife tells you everything, don't she?' Herbie had a slight speech impediment. He pronounced his L's like W's. One night he and Curly Bose walked into the crowded pool hall. Curly said, 'I can lick any man in here.' Herbie's advice was "Better wook around, Curly, better wook around.' And my last Herbie Panter story. Herbie's dad hauled mail from the depot to the post office. Sometimes Herbie would help. One day they backed up to the backdoor of the post office. Herbie was kinda dawdlin' around in the unloading. Post office clerk Eddie Sinden said, 'Come on, Herbie, quit flubbin' your dub.' Herbie kinda swelled up and said, 'It's my dub and I'll fwub it if I want to.'"
"Joe Lambert sold a tractor on the Al Frieling Consignment Auction," Ivan said. "The reason Joe sold it was because he couldn't crawl up on it any more."
"I made the statement at the As the Bladder Fills Club that I thought one of the most comfortable positions would be to be a moneyed man among moneyed men," Ivan said. "The rest of the group pooh-poohed my statement. But they were all moneyed men. Have you ever noticed that people who try to tell you money is not important are people who have money?"
"Mae McDonald had a pair of firsts last Thursday," Ivan said. "Her first first was a cardinal sitting on her porch railing. It was as close as a cardinal had ever been to her house. Her second first was that the very self-same cardinal was seen eating snow. Mae said she had never seen that before."
"Martin Gretchel got plumb profound with us at Paul's Cafe last Friday morning," Ivan reported. "Martin said - I don't know if this was original or if he had read it some place - but Martin said, 'You read to gain knowledge; you listen to gain wisdom."
Comments