"J.C. Chance, Joe Lambert, and I
were sitting at the front table in Paul's Cafe last Friday afternoon," Ivan said. "Charles Cole finished his dinner and came up to talk to us. The first thing he told J.C. and Joe was that my memory was perfect. He was referring to my memory of being hit by members of the undefeated football team of the class of '42. Charles recalled that one time in practice the varsity squad had run out of centers. The scrubs were practicing on the scrub practice field at the far west end of the field. The coach hollered down to send a center up there. I think all that Charles knew about the center position was that you threw the ball back between your legs. Anyhow, the coach sent him up there. The varsity was on offense. Charles was right across from Ralph Tucker and Arden Rust. The ball was snapped and those two guys missed him completely. Charles said he got ahold of Frank Pattee and then wished he hadn't. Frank ran with his knees high and pumping like pistons. After the coach analyzed what went wrong, Tucker and Rust batted Charles around like he was a shuttlecock in a badminton game. My all-time favorite Charles Cole story is the time Athol was coming to Smith Center to play basketball. Athol was coached by Windy Windscheffel, the Balding Sage of area coaches. Windy, in his basketball wisdom, decided that Charley was no scoring threat, so he devised a defense that let Charley roam almost at will. Charles scored 14 points and the Redmen beat the Trojans. For years after Windy wouldn't even speak to Charles. But Charles had his 32 minutes of fame."
"I've been watching the United States system of justice for the past few years," Ivan said. "The more I see of it, the more I'm convinced that Martha Stewart got screwed."
"John Windscheffel came strolling into the Numerical Cafe last Wednesday morning about eight-thirty," Ivan said. "When questioned about his being tardy, he said 'I've got my work done for the day already.' Turns out that he had piled up some limbs and sprayed around a fence. That, in the As the Bladder Fills Club scheme of things, would qualify as a half day's work."
"Claude Gripp sat down in his recliner one day last week," Ivan noted. "He rested his eyes. When he woke up, the vacuum was laying across his lap."
"Jack Benn is getting a bit overzealous about his garden," Ivan said. "One day last week the As the Bladder Club meeting was barely half over when Jack jumped up and said, 'I got to pull my radishes before they get pithy.'"
"One thing I like about August," Ivan said, "in fact it is about the only thing I like about August is: it has no holidays. The older I get the more I favor routine. Holidays disrupt my routine."
"Kendall Nichols missed a couple of days at Paul's Cafe last week," Ivan said. "Kendall is one of those rare persons who just oozes charisma. When he isn't at the cafe, peace and tranquility descend on the assembled group like a morning fog on a High Plains morning. I hate peace and tranquility."
"Marion Hayes is the new fire chief for Smith Center," Ivan reported. "Did you ever think that firemen and policemen have to run towards trouble. The rest of us run away from trouble."
"Jack Benn has a system about reading letters to the editor," Ivan said. "Jack reads who wrote 'em first, and that determines if he will waste his time reading the letter or not."
"Back in the Great Depression," Ivan said, "I heard a lot about it being so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk, but I never did see it done. Back then you wouldn't waste a perfectly good egg by frying it on the sidewalk. People kinda think eggs are high priced. But you got to remember one egg is a full day's work for a hen. And you take the fact that minimum wage is now somewhere over seven bucks, you might think that that hen is working way too cheap. Would you do something that would take you a full day's work for a dime? A hen does, and not only that, when she gets done laying an egg, she brags about it. I think that is what they are doing when they crackle."
"Barring injury, I said barring injury," Ivan said, "Smith Center could pull off a rare four-peat in football. I think our team has quad quality."
"Did you ever stop to think?" Ivan asked. "Smith Center has the best hospital, the best street level library, the best fitness and wellness center, got street department, got water department, got sewer department, got a Hardly Used Shop, got mechanics, electricians, morticians, got a school system that turns out athletes who excel in college class rooms. The list goes on and on. I think Smith Center is the best place in the world to live. Did I mention two of the best banks? And besides that, they tolerate me."
Comments