"The heat and hum a diddy
is about to get me down," Ivan says. "I'm over sixty years old, and I haven't been this hot and humid since I was in the womb."
According to Ivan, "one of the ladies in Hair Graphics said, 'Just because the blinds are closed, that don't mean we are closed. It just means we are trying to keep out the heat.' Good idea. But it can make a claustrophobic person just a wee bit stressed."
"Larry Pennington said he helped his son-in-law shingle his garage," Ivan reported. "Larry said he doesn't know what the people who are shingling get paid, but it ain't enough."
"Well, let's see," said Ivan. "It was last Thursday and I was sittin' at Paul's Cafe and I made this statement: Goin' to be a bumper fall crop if we don't get an early freeze. An insurance adjuster and a cattle buyer said a freeze won't hurt the corn. I mean, they said it gruff like. They acted like I was retarded, or whatever they call it anymore. It kinda pissed me off, but in my mind I just turned the other cheek and told them to kiss it."
"One of those rare, or maybe not so rare, common even, ring-necked snakes was found in some bricks piled out in the Gene Arment backyard. Gene described it to Dave Storz and Dave told Gene that it was a ring-necked snake. He said they might get up to sixteen inches long, but never bigger around than a pencil. Then Dennis Reinert spoke up and said his grandkids were playing with one just last week. Dennis said they like to be around cement or bricks where there is moisture. Apparently they are harmless and not the least bit venomous. Now don't take my word for that. And don't ask me to find out. I'm over sixty years old and I ain't never seen one and I don't care if I never see one."
"I was watching a guy shingling up there are Western Plains," Ivan said. "He bent over from the waist, took one of them automatic guns and started shingling. Now I know this is hard to be believe, but I saw it. That guy bent over from the waist for two straight hours. If he ever stood up, I never did see him."
"You have never heard nor will you ever hear Diane Depperschmidt complain about hot weather," Ivan said. "But let the temperature drop to a livable level and Diane starts shivering and complaining about the 'cold front.'"
"Jay Schmidt says he don't like to farm along the highway," Ivan reported. "He says that is where his mistakes always show up. He said they never happen over the hill. Always along the highway for all his friends and neighbors to see."
"Lynn Pickle is on my list," Ivan said. "She has the doors on the restrooms in the Second Cup labeled Hens and Roosters. I use the Roosters, but I sure don't have anything to crow about."
"Judy Judy Judy Hall spent some of her week making Zukeenie jam," Ivan said. "Judy Judy Judy was aware of my opinion of Zukeenie. She was quick to point out that the Zukeenie just acted as a filler. She said the taste came from the Jello she added to the mix. Judy Judy Judy has promised to bake a couple of loaves of home-made bread and bring her fresh-baked bread and her Zukeenie jam to the dinner the Western Plains is going to have on Thursday."
"When Jay Schmidt makes a mistake in his farming," Ivan said, "I want somebody to point it out to me. I've never seen him make a mistake yet."
"I got myself in a life-threatening situation one day last week," Ivan said. "Momma was sporting a black eye. A bunch of women asked me how she got her black eye. I told them she was doing exercises without wearing her bra. I thought it was kinda funny, but I got the impression that they thought killing would be too good for me. Actually what happened was Momma fell, bruised her head, blacked her eye, bruised her ribs, and fractured her wrist. She will be in a cast for a couple of weeks."
"What a revoltin' development this is," Ivan said. "I have been wondering why the heat has bothered me more this year than it ever has in the past. Then one day I was watchin' TV and it said to keep an eye on your elderly neighbors during this hot weather, because hot weather affected the elderly. All of a sudden, it dawned on me... I'm one of the elderly."
"Me N Momma ate lunch in the Second Cup last Wednesday," Ivan said. "One of those nubile young creatures working there gave one of the football players a short shoulder rub. I told the waitress I wanted either a shoulder rub or a large Pepsi. The choice was hers. She brought me a large Pepsi."
"Pastor Reep's twin daughters are now living in Smith Center," Ivan said. "I can tell them apart. The way I tell them apart is - Missy works at Paul's Cafe and Jessie works at Gene's."
"Patrina Frazier works at Paul's Cafe," Ivan said. "She will be a freshman in high school. I told her that I wanted to see her name and her brother Louis's name on the nine week honor roll every time. She just gave me a smile that showed her dimple."
"It might be wise to avoid Deb Weltmer for the next couple of weeks," Ivan said. "She has a brand new digital camera and she might be asking you to say 'cheese' so she can get used to the new mechanism on the camera. I always thought 'succotash' was better than 'cheese.'"
"Linton Lull showed up at the As the Bladder Fills Club late last Friday morning," Ivan said. "Before he got there, someone said he hadn't felt good the day before. When Linton got there, we questioned him about his health. He said he just acted like he didn't feel good to get himself out of some honey-do jobs."
"I thought I had it headed off for a while but it's back, even worse than before," Ivan said. "It has now reached epidemic proportions. That is people talking with their hands in front of their mouths. They will sit there with their elbows on the table and their hands in front of their mouths and then talk to you. You can't hear a word they are saying. You can't read their lips. You hate to keep asking them to repeat. I think we need a 'Talking with Hands in Front of Your Mouth Anonymous' chapter here in Smith Center. Like, for example, at the first meeting one of the hands in front of their mouths offenders would get up and say, My name is Dick Stroup and I talk with my hands in front of my mouth. The odd thing about it is, the people you want to hear what they have to say are the worst offenders. The people that you really don't care what they have to say talk so you can hear them all over the room."
"Kendall Nichols showed up at Paul's Cafe last Friday wearing sissy type sneakers," Ivan said. "Now there are macho sneakers, but these were definitely sissy type. I don't know what the deal was, but I do know that cowboy boots are a badge of the successful cattle buyer. To tell you the truth, Kendall looked positively naked."
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