"Sleeping in church,"
Ivan said, "has therapeutic value."
"Mike Hughes and Edith Drake tried to lead me into a life of sin and riotous living by inviting me to go to play Bingo with them last Tuesday night," Ivan said. "I declined, because I don't like to hear the four letter words all the rest of the old ladies say when one of them yells Bingo."
"Kendall Nichols had a fast-forward morning ahead of him last Wednesday," Ivan said. "He had to go to rehab, then when he got through with rehab, he had to sprint to his pickup, drive over the speed limit to Downs, screech to a halt in front of the dentist office and be there for a nine fifteen appointment. Driving over the speed limit doesn't scare me - it's the 'sprinting' that causes me some alarm."
"Going to be something different at the Old Settlers Day parade this year," Ivan reported. "The saddle club is going to be right behind the color guard. In other words, second in the parade. But have no fear, they are going to be followed by the Poop Patrol. There were no volunteers for the Poop Patrol, so a draft was instituted."
"We wuz talking about car races on TV," Ivan noted. "I said I really didn't care much for car races period. Dick Stroup said he wouldn't waste his time watching a car race period. Jack Benn said it best. He said he 'would just as soon watch a skunk fight in a fog exclamation point.'"
Mike Hughes had a good week last week," Ivan said. "He ate American on Wednesday. He went to Beloit and ate Mexican on Thursday, and was going to Phillipsburg to eat Chinese on Friday. Mike also said his bed broke, and no one acted surprised."
"Adrian, waitress at Paul's Cafe, who is one-fourth Native American of the Choctaw persuasion, didn't get off to the best start last Friday morning," Ivan said. "She was late to work. But she had several explanations, all of which were perfectly good, valid reasons for showing up late. First off, sher couldn't find her blouse. No, it wasn't her blouse, it was her smock, whatever that is. Then she either didn't read, or it didn't work, the gas gauge. Because she had to roll into the gas station. Then she got behind a slow-moving truck. She tried to make all that lost time up by driving into the parking lot a lot faster than she had been driving behind the truck. When I saw her go past the west window, her Jeep was a white blur. I asked her how fast she was going when she went by. She said the speed dial said forty-five. I think the speed dial is the same as the speedometer on other cars. She was driving more like an Andretti than an Adrian when she blurred past the window. She wore a denim vest in place of a blouse, no, smock. She will find that tips won't cover the cost of a speeding ticket. Not with the kind of clientele they have at Paul's Cafe."
"Mike Hughes eating all that food from other countries," Ivan said, "reminds me that every once in a while I eat French Toast, French Fries, Canadian Bacon, Belgium Waffles, Spanish Rice, English Muffins, Swiss Cheese, and Grease."
"Once more," Ivan said, "I'm gonna get on my high horse, soap box, and bully pulpit, and tell you about the greatest miscarriage of justice that will ever be perpetrated on the Smith Center football phenoms. That is the Mid-Continent All League selections. Everyone knows - coaches, fans, players, media people, and the players' mothers - that the Smith Center starting offense and defense shiould be named the All League team. But that won't happen. They will get together and, so as not to hurt some team's feelings, they will put a player from some team in as first team All League. Now is the time to teach young people that fair is fair. It's common knowledge that Smith Center's starters on both offense and defense are better than anyone of the opponents' team. Even the number two players on the Smith Center depth chart should make second team All League."
"Heard some fellow ask another fellow how much rain he had," Ivan reported. "The other fellow said, 'I spent a bunch of money on an electronic rain gauge, so I ain't tellin' how much it rained for nothin'.'"
"If you don't want to spend a bunch of money on a rain gauge," Ivan said, "when somebody tells you how much rain he had, just say 'That's about what I had.'"
"Apparently we don't have any color blind players on the Smith Center football team," Ivan said, "because the Redman players seem to think that anyone wearing a different color jersey than the Redmen deserves to be blocked. So they block em."
"We could get up a town football team that could hold the score down on the Redmen," Ivan said. "How it would be done - put Mike Hughes, Jack Benn, Randy Schutz, and Roger Barta in the backfield. It would take the quarterback, whoever he was, the better part of ten seconds to reach the running backs who were running forward at breakneck speed. Then it would the running backs another ten seconds to reach the line of scrimmage. The town team would have what you call your ball control for twenty seconds on each snap. When I say breakneck speed, I mean they would stumble and fall and break their neck."
"Neither Dick Stroup nor Bruce Miles showed up at the As the Bladder Fills Club Friday, Ivan said. "Someone said they were on somebody's roof, shingling. I almost suggested that we appoint someone to sneak up and sneak off with the ladder. But then I got to thinkin' they might try and jump off the roof and no one has time to visit them in the hospital."
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