I saw Phyllis Tucker
at the Shelton Law Office on Monday," Ivan said. "When I got ready to leave, I said to Phyllis, 'You sure do look nice.' She said, 'How come it took you so long to notice.'"
"I'm sure glad I don't play linebacker for any team that plays Smith Center," Ivan said. "If you are a linebacker against Smith Center, first you get hit by an offensive lineman, then you get hit by the lead blocker, then you get hit by the man they had faked the ball to, and then you get hit by the ball carrier."
"And if you'll notice," he added, "the opposing linemen throw a lot of those 'look out' blocks. That's where the Smith Center defensive linemen go flying by the offensive linemen from the other team and the other team's offensive linemen look back at the quarterback and holler 'look out.'"
"Kendall Nichols was in the hospital at Hays recently," Ivan reported. "When he got back to Paul's Cafe last Monday morning, I was so glad to see him that I told him I was going to say something nice about him. So I've got to start thinking of something."
"When I was in high school," Ivan said, "when we had a basketball scrimmage, one team would wear jerseys and the other team wouldn't. It was always shirts against skins. The shirt and skin scrimmage all came to a screeching halt with the advent of girl's basketball."
"Had big rains on both sides of us last Tuesday night," Ivan noted. "Thornburg and Gaylord both had tall cow rains."
"Dick Stroup broke the As the Bladder Fills Club code of ethics last Tuesday," Ivan said. "He worked all day. He crawled up on a roof at six-thirty in the morning and didn't come down til five-thirty in the afternoon. He said it was ninety-seven degrees. He was helping a friend, Gary VanderGiesen. As long as he was helping a friend and was not engaged in working for merely monetary gain, he was forgiven. But the mention of work made Jack Been shudder and he is only allowed two shudders a month. So no one is to mention work until next month."
"People go to Gaylord to watch the parade," Ivan said. "Some go to get home-made ice cream. Some go to play bingo. Some go to eat watermelon. Some go to visit with old friends. Me N Momma go to buy some of the baked goods located at the north edge of the park."
"Dick Weltmer, who usually throws em right over the heart of the plate, threw me a curveball last week," Ivan said. "On Wednesday he said Eileen Peterson was gonna quit the catering business. Then on Thursday he said she was gonna quit doing big ones. He described a 'big one' as one with over fifty people. I ain't even gonna talk to him on Friday because he might add amendments to his amendments."
"On picture day at the high school last Saturday," Ivan reported, "someone told me that Justin Nixon, who weighs in a three hundred and sixty pounds, stood and put his hand on the wall. Then Kirk Palmer, who weighs in at two hundred and twenty pounds, chinned himself on the outstretched arm."
"Eddie Hall showed up at Paul's Cafe last Thursday afternoon," Ivan said. "Eddie had been house-bound for six weeks. Said he hadn't forgotten how to drive, because he didn't run over anybody, but he did forget to use his turn signal a couple of times."
"Kendall Nichols is taking rehab," Ivan said. "He says between rehab and doctors' appointments, it don't leave much time to make a living."
"One time back in their courtin' days," Ivan said, "the church heard that Greg Hubbard was going to bring a black girl to church. So they were peeking out the window, waiting for Greg and his girlfriend to show up. It was Noel Black."
"I got my exercise at the Second Cup last Friday morning," Ivan said. "Jack Benn and Dick Stroup were no shows. So I went to the kitchen and called Jack. Arlene answered and said Jack was getting breakfast for some friends who were coming through on their way to Milwaukee. I got back to my chair and sat down. I didn't even have time to catch my breath from the trip from the kitchen back to my chair when Linton Lull insisted I find out what was wrong with Dick Stroup. So I trudged back to the kitchen and called the Stroup residence. Delores answered. Dick was helping Gary VanderGiesen shingle - again."
"The name Jim Boyle came up at the As the Bladder Fills Club last Friday," Ivan said. "Jim Boyle was in the real estate and abstract business. Melvin Collier got into the abstract business under the tutleage of Lennie Uhl. Melvin done some work for a person in town and later that day he saw Jim Boyle. Jim asked him how he got along. Melvin said, 'Just fine.' Jim asked Melvin how much he had charged for his work. Melvin said, 'Well, he was a good friend of mine, so I didn't charge him.' Jim said, 'Let me tell you something, young man. You better start charging your friends, because your enemies ain't gonna do business with you.' Melvin took the advice to heart."
"Judy Judy Judy Hall said that we had a cross-country team in Smith Center," Ivan noted, "but she said that I don't write much about it. There was a song that was popular in the early Thirties that said, 'You got to be a football hero to get along with the beautiful girls.' The second line said, 'You gotta be a touchdown getter, you bet, if you want to have some baby to pet.' I never heard a song about any cross-country runner getting a good-looking girl."
"Dale Lambert bought the coffee at the Second Cup Cafe last Saturday morning to celebrate his 80th birthday," Ivan said. "Dale says age is just a number, it don't mean a thing. He's right. My age is just a number. The problem is - it's such a danged big number."
"Both Smith County football teams got off to good starts in their openers," Ivan said. "Smith Center shut out Norton 60 to 0, and Kensington lambasted Eastern Heights 51 to 7. When you beat a good team 60 to 0, it kinda gives you an idea how good Smith Center is."
"One morning recently I went to a place here in town to get gas," Ivan said. "Saw a car without anyone in it at the gas pump. The other side had just had a car pull up to the pump. So, I thought to myself, whoever left their car at the pump must be running in and paying for their gas. So I waited and waited and waited. Eventually she came waddling out of the store. She had been grocery shopping. She waddled out to her car, put the groceries in the car. Then she had to arrange them just right. Then she got in. But apparently she had a wedgie, because she had to get out of the car and pull that out. Then she got back in. Apparently she couldn't find the starter on the car, because it took her forever to get the car started. I don't know who she was, and don't wanna know. I wouldn't recognize her if I saw her. But I am sure that if they gave her an IQ test the results would be negative. And then, to add insult to injury, the clerk in the store told me to 'have a nice day.'"
"Had a nice crowd at Gaylord on Labor Day," Ivan said. "Not only nice in size, but also nice in demeanor. Everybody I talked to was pleasant and acted like they were glad to see me."
"A gentleman," Ivan said, "has been described as one who knows how to play the bagpie but don't."
"Kendall Nichols was wearing his rehab moccasins last Wednesday morning," Ivan said. "Kendall was to start rehab at seven forty-five Wednesday morning. He said he was going to take Hazel along withhim, then if there were some things he couldn't finish, he would have Hazel finish them for him."
"I asked Brenda McNary where her two boys played on the football team," Ivan said. "She said they are back there where they hand the ball to them and then they run with it. Not too technical, but it explained where they played and what they done."
"Joe Lambert asked me if I had ever heard of the town of Breemer," Ivan said. "I said no. He said it was just east of Hanover. I knew immediately he meant Breman, not Breemer. You see, Breman is just a few miles west of Herkimer."
"One of my all-time favorite Smith Center football stories is about a time back in the Thirties," Ivan said. "The legendary Ralph Conger was the Smith Center coach. Smith Center had its own telephone system back then, and Fred Peterson was the phone technician. Fred built a loudspeaker outfit and Smith Center was one of the first in the area to have a loudspeaker announcer at the games. After Fred had the louspeaker built, the question was - who was going to be the announcer. The only logical choice was Dutch Detwiler. Dutch had been the captain of the 1912 K.U. football team. When he returned to Smith Center, he became one of the best football referees over a large area. He was now retired from refereeing. But with his knowledge of the game, he was chosen to be the loudspeaker announcer. Dutch had a son, John, who played tackle on the team. This was before anyone had lights and all games were played in the afternoon. That first game, Dutch stood on the top steps of the grandstand. The game started, and the opponents came out in an unbalanced line. They ran their first play for about thirty yards. They broke the huddle and came out in an unbalanced line again. Over the loudspeaker you could hear Dutch say, 'They are in an unbalanced line - Move over, John; move over, John.'"
"Smith Center and Hill City," Ivan said, "there is no question who is going to win the game. The question is - will Smith Center score every time it gets the ball. I would say yes - with two limiting factors. Smith Center will score every time it gets the ball, if they don't fumble and turn the ball over, and if they don't get hit with penalties and have to kick it away. Hill City, which is going to eight-man football next year, can't stop the Redmen. Many years ago, ol Watchamacaller said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. Well, against Hill City, the only thing the Redmen have to fear is the Redmen themselves."
"The Smith Center football field is in excellent shape," Ivan reported, "but that will be a handicap for some of the teams we played. Smith Center will play some opponents this year who won't be able to make a first and ten against tall grass."
"At Paul's Cafe last Friday morning," Ivan said, "a cell phone rang. Some stranger sitting there said it was probably from one of his future ex-wives."
"Last Thursday night," Ivan reported, "Joe Lambert didn't watch any TV. He read a book. I remember I read a bok once. I can't remember if the last book I read was the adventures of Sammy Jay or the adventures of Paddy Beaver. I do remember the little forest people were getting worried because the Laughing Brook had quit laughing and the Smiling Pool was getting smaller. What had happened was Paddy Beaver had built a dam across the Laughing Brook. But it all turned out all right. I don't remember exactly how."
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